A Journal for Carlisle
by TiishTashh
Summary: Bella writes to Carlisle about her transformation. Better then summary honest. Frist FF please review?


1**AN: I do not own any of the Twilight Saga.. Unfortunately**

**This is my first Fanfic, please review? **

**A Journal for Carlisle. **

My Transformation,

Dear Carlisle. Please keep this to yourself. I don't wish for Edward to know. This journal contains all the details you wish to know about my transformation.

At first I felt nothing, everything was black. I could feel the blackness, like a thick heavy weight, trying to smother me, pulling me away, taking me to death. I wanted to fight it, I needed to survive, for my family, for Edward, for Renesmee. I had come all this way I couldn't fall at the last hurdle. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, I couldn't move. It was then that I felt it.

At first it was just a warm feeling, as though I was holding something in my arms. I thought it was Renesmee, I felt so proud, I _had_ made it after all. I clutched it closer, holding it tighter, it was exactly where my heart was. With, what I thought was, her there I knew I could survive, I knew I would make it. It felt so _real._ Of course it was real, but it wasn't what I thought it was.

The heat got hotter, so hot it was hard to believe I was imagining it. I was sure the memory of holding my daughter in my arms was never this warm. It didn't stop, the heat grew and grew, it was as if I was holding the wrong end of a curling iron. My instinct was to drop the hot thing in my arms but of course there wasn't anything in my arms. In fact they were down by my side. The heat was inside me. I was being burned alive and I couldn't even tell anyone. I couldn't speak, I couldn't shout, all I wanted was for someone to make it end now, to kill me if they had too. The pain was too much, it peaked and rose again, it surpassed anything I'd ever felt. I now wished I had embraced the blackness when it offered me the chance. I wanted to rip open my chest and rip out my heart anything to take away this pain, anything to stop this torture. But I couldn't, every part of me was a dead weight.

I'd take anything instead of this, I'd have James snap my leg a thousand times over, I'd have my baby break her way through me all over again, they were nothing, absolutely _nothing_ compared to this. The fire blazed even hotter now and I still couldn't scream, I didn't understand, this wasn't part of the stories I had been told. It was then I realised it was the darkness holding me down, it was _my body_. It was pressing on me, leaving me there unable to do anything in the blazing fire. The flames worked their way out from my chest, burning through my shoulders, scalding their way up my throat, licking at my face. This wasn't fair, I wanted to die, why couldn't I shout? Why couldn't I move? What was wrong with me? I knew the answer as soon as I formed the questions. It was the morphine. It was then, and only then, that I thanked my rare lucky stars for the fact Edward could not read my mind. Because I'd had morphine and venom together in my system before, and I knew the truth Carlisle. I _knew_ the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. But there was no way I was going to mention that fact to Edward. I didn't want to tell him anything that make him even more unwilling to change me.

However, I hadn't realised that the morphine would have this effect on me, I didn't know it would pin me down and gag me. Hold me paralyzed while I burned. It was then that I remembered the stories you had told me Carlisle. I knew it did no good to scream, I hoped I could be like you and keep my mouth shout. I didn't want to torment Edward anymore then I had. It all suddenly seemed like a hideous joke that I was getting my wish fulfilled. I just lay there chanting in my head 'let me die, let me die.' And, for a never ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture and my soundless shrieks, pleading with death, somehow knowing it wouldn't come. Time didn't exist anymore, there was no beginning and no end Carlisle, it was like one infinite moment of pain.

The only change was when the fire reached the lower half of my body, as if some broken connection had been fixed. The pain doubled, I didn't think it was possible but it did.

It could have been days, weeks or months, that's what it felt like, but it was then that three things happened at once and time became to mean something.

The morphine's weight faded, time re-started and I became stronger. I could feel the control of my body return in tiny parts. I knew when I was able twitch my toes and ball my fingers into fists, I knew this but I didn't act on it Carlisle. However the fire still didn't decrease, not even a tiny degree, it still burned me, charring me alive. But I discovered something new, I discovered that I could think around the pain, I could concentrate on why I wasn't screaming, and on why I wasn't begging for death. I had committed to enduring this agony for a reason and now I remembered why.

To anyone watching me there would be no change but for me Carlisle there was. I struggled to keep the screams and thrashing locked up inside my body where they wouldn't hurt anyone else, I felt as though I had gone from being tied and gagged to the stake as I burned to gripping myself to it and holding myself in the fire.

As my hearing became clearer and clearer I counted my frantic heartbeats to pass the time, I counted the shallow breaths that forced their way in and out of my clenched teeth. I also counted the low, even breathes coming from somewhere beside me as these moved slowest I used these to pass the time. I continued to get stronger. I remember the first conversation I heard through my changing ears. It was you and Edward. I could hear your footsteps and felt pressure on my wrist but I couldn't feel the coolness of the touch, the fire made sure of that. The conversation went like this:

"Still no change?"

"None."

The lightest pressure, breath against my scorched skin.

"There's no scent of the morphine left."

"I know."

"Bella? Can you hear me?"

I knew if I answered you Carlisle I would lose control. I would screech and shout, I would writhe and thrash. Any movement at all would be the end of everything. I couldn't hurt him anymore then I had already.

"Bella? Bella love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?"

It was harder not to answer this voice but I managed to stay paralyzed. I knew the pain in his voice was nothing compared to what it could have been. He only feared I was suffering.

"Maybe.. Carlisle, maybe I was too late." His voice was muffled but it broke on the word late. My resolve wavered for a second.

"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger then even Emmett's was. I've never heard anything so _vital_. She'll be perfect."

It was your reassurment that convinced me to keep quiet Carlisle. He didn't need to suffer with me. You continued to talk about my injuries but his voice was still broke. I wanted to answer him but I wouldn't make his pain worse, not while I could stay still.

Through all of this, the racking fire went right on burning me. But there was so much space in my head now. I could ponder the conversation, I could remembered what had happened and most of all I could look to the future. However I still had room to suffer. Also room to worry. I wanted my baby Carlisle, I wanted to see her, I wanted to know why she wasn't there with me.

Suddenly your conversation sparked up again, Edward answered an unspoken thought, this confused me deeply, I wanted to know what you were talking about and why. I thought you were doing it on purpose to try and annoy me. Your footsteps disappeared and I went back to counting Edwards breathes to pass the time.

Eventually a different set of footsteps entered the room, they were lighter more rhythmic. I found it strange how I could tell the difference yet I had never been able to before today. It was Alice. They talked about when I would be waking up, well he asked her, she didn't say it out loud, it annoyed me more then anything. I wanted to know how long I would be here, burning endlessly. They then began talking about my looks, it made me a feel a little better. Alice's words gave me hope that I wouldn't look like the charcoal briquette I felt like. Surely I should be a pile of ashes by now. How much more could I burn?

She breezed out of the room, I could hear the fabric rub against itself as she moved, I could hear the buzz of the light, I could hear the wind outside the house. I could everything Carlisle. _Everything. _Downstairs someone was watching a ball game, while others were arguing about something. However the game wasn't interesting enough to pass the time so I went back to counting my angels breathing. it was then that the pain changed.

On the good side of things it started to fade from hands and feet. Fading slowly but still this had to be it. The pain was on its way out, I would finally stop burning.

And then the bad news. The fire in my throat wasn't the same as before. I wasn't only on fire but I was now parched. Dry as a bone. I was so thirsty. It was now burning fire and burning thirst. Also bad news, the fire in my heart got hotter. I had no idea how this was possible.

My heartbeat already too fast, picked up, the fire drove it to a new pace. I was sure all of you could hear it. Edward called your name, it was low but I knew you'd hear it. The fire retreated from my palms, leaving them blissfully pain free and cool but it retreated to my heart, which blazed as hot as the soon and beat at a furious new speed. I heard you enter the room, Alice by your side. Your footsteps were so distinct. I could even tell that you were on the right and a foot ahead of Alice.

"Listen." Edward told you.

The loudest sound in the room was clearly my frenzied heart, pounding to the rhythm of the fire.

"Ah," you said. "It's almost over."

My relief at your words was overshadowed by the most excruciating pain in my heart. My wrists and ankles were free though, the fire had gone from there.

Alice agreed eagerly but then Edward told her to keep my baby away. I wanted to shout no, I wanted him to bring my baby to me, she was mine and I wanted to see her when I woke up.

My fingers twitched - irritation breaking through my perfect facade. The room went silent apart from the jack hammering of my heart as they all stopped breathing for a second in response to my movement. I felt a hand squeeze those same fingers. It was his.

"Bella? Bella love?" He asked.

I wanted to answer, I really do but I knew there was no way I could open my mouth without screaming, I was doing so well, I couldn't ruin it now. The fire ripped hotter through my chest, draining in from my elbows and knees.

"I'll bring them right up." Alice said. Her voice was urgent, I must be near the end. I heard the swish of wind as she darted away.

Suddenly my heart took off, like helicopter blades, the sound almost a sustained note, I bet you all heard it Carlisle, if felt like it would grind through my ribs and jump out from my body. The fire flared up in the center of my chest, bringing the remaining fire in the rest of my body to join it in the most scorching blaze yet. The pain was enough to stun me, to break through my iron grip on the stake. I almost screamed Carlisle. Almost. My back arched, bowed as if the fire was dragging me upward. Im sure you saw this, after all you were there. I allowed no other part of me to break rank as I slumped back on the table.

It became a battle inside me Carlisle, my sprinting heart racing against the attacking fire. Both were losing. The fire was doomed, having consumed everything that was combustible; my heart galloped towards it's final beat.

The fire constricted, concentrating inside that one remaining organ with a final unbearable surge. The pain was immense, even screams wouldn't have been able to describe it. The surge was answered by a deep and hollow sounded thud, as im sure you heard. My heart stuttered twice and then thudded quietly again once more. That was it. The fire was gone and there was no sound. No heart beat, no breathing, not even mine. The transformation was over. I opened by eyes to a brand new world.

I want you to know Carlisle, the reason that I tell you this way is because I do not want Edward to know, he would only wallow in guilt and I do not want him to do that to himself. I could have said I didn't feel a thing but I cannot lie, it wouldn't be right, this memory will stay with me forever, just as yours, just as Edwards, just as the rest of the family. It has become part of me, the only part of me I will ever keep from him.

Thank you Carlisle.

Love Bella. x


End file.
